Little did i know it would turn out this way. Wasn’t it all just a faded ochre like the beer we drank but you felt like the smoke which exhaled through my system, well most of it, and left a little inside me. Stuck to me leaving stains.
Believe me, I’m living on these stains but I wish for so much more. This is the first time I’m saying it out loud this way because honestly I don’t have the strength to. I don’t have the strength anymore to let you cuddle me, caress me and kiss the innumerable times you do. I don’t have the strength to look at you smiling and imagine us in a parallel perfect world. I don’t have the strength to hear you say no to me, or worse, say that you love me.
I accept that’s going too far in this godforsaken 21st century. But it’s been too long for me in a good way and in a bad way.
So this is my open love letter to you, the one you’ll never come across.
Let me tell you,
I don’t trust you. I can’t keep up with you. I go crazy everytime you smile. Your smell lingers on my tee shirts even after I have washed them way too many times. I hate that messy hair of yours and your well fitted tee shirts which falls on your body like your second skin. I feel like kissing your lips whenever I feel lost and only you can save me. All of this is so corny and maybe that is exactly why I’m losing it. And I’m not used to losing it.
I wanna say things like, please choose me, pick me, love me! Talk to me for hours without getting tired and kiss me when I act silly. Why would you smell my hair? You don’t even remember my smell. You don’t miss me. You don’t even like me.
What I’m writing here is no piece of literature and is not reading worthy for shit. But I had to tell you. I want to fall in love with you. I want to let myself love you and tell you that I do and be irrevocably happy about it. You are so wrong a guy that I can’t even begin to imagine. You are sloppy I’m sure, careless, laid back, lazy and rich. You are rich and I can’t keep up with you. Every little bit of me melts into whatever I have seen of you and you aren’t helping me stop. Maybe you are. Maybe you actually are but I can’t stop.
This is my rant about how much I want to be in love with you and live in the perfect parallel universe where you think of me and I think of you without any holding back.
I want to be in love with you.